I could kill for a vodka and coke

or anything else that could give the same effect and take away this headache for a little while. Unfortunately living in this house means a permanant headache is almost guaranteed. It’s an entirely different type of pain from the migraines, I am almost used to those now since I have had them almost constantly since I got pregnant. These headaches are caused by stress, they make my head feel like it’s being crushed in a vice and there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight as long as we live here. Do you know what it feels like to get up every single day and spend every waking hour being lectured and shouted at, listening to constant bitching and complaining and not even having the most basic freedoms. It’s absolutely soul destroying and endless because you go around in circles. My days have been going something like this, at night I am awake. I spend hours and hours either laying in my bed tossing and turning because I can’t settle. Sometimes its the pain that keeps me awake and sometimes it’s just the stress from the day and being too wound up to sleep. Every night I end up crying into my pillow because I just can’t face the thought of another day of it. Then by the time the sun comes up I am too exahusted to stay awake anymore. I fall into a restless sleep, I toss and I turn and I have really bad nightmares. Then I get up and it starts the second I walk down the stairs with Nan complaining, the compaints vary but the whining tone and the endless shouting and stomping about don’t. The original intention was usually to get some food but knowing that it will cause the argument about dishes, followed by me offering to do them and it turning into another argument I no longer feel hungry or I end up getting something like chocolate out of the fridge. Eventually I reach the point where I no longer feel able to listen anymore and I turn around and go back upstairs. If Mark’s home I try and pass on the various complaints about him from Nan and it usually turns into an argument. My tactics vary from not listening to his responses, arguing back, begging him to please just do what she asks, pleading with him to be different, listening to what he has to say and partially agreeing with him but wishing he would be different anyway so I could get some peace and feeling so overwhelmed by it all I burst into tears. If he’s not in I have to sit here and try and calm down all by myself. Try to breathe deep and resist the urge to sob my heart out. I try and force myself to get ready to get Lukas from school just to get out of the house for a little while. I struggle to walk to school and back and spend the net few hours in pain and feeling ill. I argue with Lukas about getting changed out of his school uniform while she moans about having to do the washing. I bite my tongue because its just not worth the effort of arguing anymore. Eventually after much shouting/begging or threatening punishments Lukas does get changed, she puts the washing on and I retreat back to my bedroom with my headache. I manage to bribe Lukas with the laptop or the cartoons so I can get a few minutes peace and quiet before I have to go and make dinner. Lukas whines and says he’s hungry and I know that I can’t put off going downstairs any longer. We decide what he wants today and I go and make it. I have to try and have it all done and dishes downstairs before 7pm or I have to listen to the argument about her wanting to watch her programmes, again my offers to do the dishes just get met with more whining and complaining. Anything that needs to be cooked has to be bought back upstairs and microwaved in his bedroom. We alternate between cooked stuff and easy stuff like tortilla wraps with ham and cereal. I keep snacks for Lukas up in our room so I can give him those and avoid another trip downstairs. In the short space of time it takes for me to make his dinner or grab the stuff to bring back up I have to listen to another round of whining and complaining from her. I manage to escape back upstairs with the excuse of having to bath Lukas. Bathtime comes with its own set of problems but they aren’t for talking about today. Through the evening its inevitable that there will be things I need to go downstairs for, knowing that each time I do I will have to listen to her again. I try and avoid them for as long as possible I used to try the tactic of going out of my way to talk to her and be nice to her, but i’ve learnt that silence is the best option. Every word I say fuels more arguing from her. She refuses to hear what I say anyway so why waste the time and energy making the effort. This goes on until she goes to bed somewhere between 11pm and 11:30pm. When she comes to bed I go in to try and say goodnight. I end up standing their sorting pillows, listening to yet more complaining, and doing all the other nightly stuff. Usually when she goes to bed Lukas is still awake because I just couldn’t face arguing with him to go to sleep. I know he gets up good for school regardless of what time he goes to bed. I just have to make sure he’s asleep before Mark comes home from work to avoid another argument. Mark is supposed to finish work at midnight sometimes it’s earlier and usually he ends up going to tescos on the way home. By the time he gets home I am barely managing to stay awake. I am fed up and emotional and then he comes in puts whatever sport he decides he wants to watch that night on and starts playing the laptop. I try and ask him about work and he usually ignores me, some nights I am so frustrated by the day I try and talk to him about that which starts yet another argument. More often than not I have to beg him to turn off the laptop or the playstation because I want to spend some time with him. While he could sit there and do that for hours more the minute I try and talk to him I am met with the sound of snoring. You might be wondering why I haven’t mentioned my own medical issues, its because they just get thown into the mix, every single day is like this I deal with it regardless of my own issues. All of this in in addition to the depression and the crazy emotions, the pregnancy related crap and the fears about having another baby. Its a lonely existance because I avoid talking on message boards or to online friends because I just feel too sad to care anymore. I try and scrap when I am in my room to take my mind off it and frequently end up staring at the blank canvas or saving a layout as a work in progress. Some of them have only photos, some a paper or two and nothing more. They sit in the folder destined to be ignored because I just don’t know what to do with them. The worst part is I can see no way out, if I try and leave it will cause more arguments because people will say I can’t leave her alone. The longer I stay here the worse my marriage becomes. I spend all of my time with Lukas trying not to snap at him or leaving him to amuse himself because I just need some peace. I try and do things to avoid arguments and end up feeling worse, I get frustrated because my medical issues leave me feeling so useless. Everything is just so hard and it’s going to get harder soon because a baby is going to be thrown into the mix. Sunday we are supposed to be taking Lukas to Legoland as a special treat before the baby comes, apart from the normal issues we have I currently have a chest infection and an ear infection in both ears so my balance is off. She’s been ill today but that’s a whole other post so no doubt I will have to listen to the endless lectures from other people about how I shouldn’t be leaving her alone. I can’t delay taking Lukas because I am worried about the baby, we already know he’s going to be premature and on past experience my labours are never predictable. I just don’t feel like I can win anymore. I am constantly caught in the middle and struggling to cope.

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Posted on April 29, 2009, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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