So I admit it
I’ve been avoiding you. After my emotional and slightly crazy post I was kind of at a loss with what to say next. I kept hoping I would wake up one morning and all of those thoughts and fears would have gone away. I have moments where I feel better I am able to feel slightly excited about the baby or whatever but I also have very dark moments where I am overwhelmed by terror about it all. I wonder if I can cope with another baby, I question whether it will replace Leo hell since I am being honest I question whether it’s going to die like Leo. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in my own emotion and I feel completely and utterly alone. Nan doesn’t ever feel like talking and Mark doesn’t really listen to me when I do. It’s not exactly easy to be sitting here and pouring my heart out to my husband and hearing or turning around to see the only thing he is paying attention to is his stupid computer game. We had a big fight earlier and I completely lost my temper it all got irrational and out of control I guess everything is weighing on my mind and my heart heavier than I care to admit. All I really want at the moment is a little understanding from Mark, just to listen to me and be interested when I try and make an effort to be the mummy I am struggling to be. I try buying clothes for fidget or suggest names and my head is screaming at me that I don’t want to do that because it makes everything more real somehow. Trying to talk to Mark about it is hard for me because I can’t find the words and because he can’t pay attention long enough to just listen I have to repeat myself, once, twice, three times etc and then what started as a calm conversation is now a tear filled hysteria that only makes him roll his eyes and ask me stupid questions like “why are you so grumpy today?”. Sometimes I just feel so frustrated at times he is everything I could ever hope for he’s loving and supportive and I truly feel like he cares and other times at best he’s an insensitive, lazy, annoying jerk and he doesn’t seem to think he’s done anything wrong. I know I love him because if I didn’t love him he wouldn’t drive me so crazy. Great example of that is last night when he phoned me and said “i’m on my way to the hospital, I think I need a couple of stitches”. I was instantly worried and said I would meet him at the hospital, he told me not too and didn’t give me any other details about what he had done except say he’d had an accident at work. So I sat here worrying about him until he finally got home. Turns out he had cut his hand at work when he went to A&E they said that glue and steri-strips and then wrapping it up would be the best way to treat it. As for the actual accident that was caused by sheer stupidity on his part he was trying to cut something with a tool not designed for that purpose slipped and sliced his hand. So last night was a late night and not a great one as far as sleep goes, arguing always makes me feel ill so he’s gone to work and I am sitting here feeling wiped out, tearful and fed up. He won’t be home until about 12:30 tonight so it’s lucky for me Lukas is content to play learning games and other stuff on the laptop while I sit here with the television off because my head hurts so bad. I’ve been working on a little ACDSee tagging I am kind of just hoping that tomorrow will be a much better day all around.