Truthful Tuesday again
As if my moaning earlier wasn’t truthful enough for you lol. I’ll keep it short because I still feel really sick and my bed is practically yelling my name. There are a lot of times when I feel like I am failing miserably as a mother. I look at the reading book from school that I always mean to leave a comment in but never get around to. Don’t misunderstand me I read with Lukas and I read to Lukas but I never get around to telling his teachers that. I put Lukas in the bath and leave him to play because I can’t stand the light in there. Lukas dresses himself because I can’t do up buttons. Mark making Lukas’s sandwiches for his packed lunch because I am too tired. It’s the little stuff usually that’s really unimportant in the scheme of things but that drive me crazy. Lukas won’t remember that I didn’t do this stuff everyday but I will. But there’s nothing that makes me think I am doing a really bad job at this mothering thing like Lukas looking at me and telling me “my heart is broken all the time, because I miss my Leo”. I never know what to say to him except “I know baby, mine is too”. I feel like I failed as a mother, I couldn’t stop Leo from dying or stop Lukas’s heart being broken. I can offer kisses and cuddles but I can never really take away Lukas’s pain or my own. I will never stop wishing that things could have been different or wonder if the results would have been different if I had done this or done that. I am always questioning whether I am helping Lukas get over losing Leo or just making it worse. I don’t want to forget he ever existed, or pretend he was never here but I also don’t want to drag up all the hurt and pain and it’s a hard balance to find. Mark says I live in the past, dwell too much on the ones who aren’t here anymore. I struggle with how much is acceptable to think or talk about the ones who aren’t here. I blame myself for a lot of things even though in my heart I know it probably has nothing to do with me. I often wonder if given the chance to do it over whether I would do the same things again because those choices seemed right to me at the time. So tonight I am sitting here, feeling ill and holding back the tears because I just wish there was an easy solution to it all. I wish that I could make sure Leo is remembered, take away the pain of losing him, or just find some way to make it more bearable for Lukas but I can’t and it sucks!